Hard Day.

Below is something posted by my sister.  I don't know if she came up with it herself or got it from somewhere else.  All I know is that it made me break down and cry.  Today is the 8th anniversary of my mother's death due to cancer.  I don't tend to dwell on it.  I don't actually think about it that much.  Sometimes the fact sneaks up on me.  Maybe pushing it down is my way of coping.  I don't know.  I try not to think about it too much.  I don't take much stock in the afterlife or when people say your loved ones that are no longer with us are still with us in our hearts.  I don't take comfort in that stuff.  My mother is gone and it hurts.  It hurts so bad every time I think about it.  Saying she's still with me in my heart or she's looking down on me doesn't comfort me in the slightest.  My mother is gone and it hurts so bad.  

It hurts the most when I think about how successful I've been in my military career and she hasn't been around to see it.  The same applies to my brother who is in the Navy.  He has been pretty successful himself in his military career.  It also hurts that she's missed the intelligent woman my sister has become.  God, she is so much like her mother.  It hurts so much that our mother has not been able to share our life successes with us.  

Everyone tries to comfort us by saying she's looking down on us or that she's with us in spirit.  I'd like to believe that but it gives me no comfort.  

I look back to the times when our family struggled financially and we had to eat pancakes and french fries for dinner on paper plates off the kitchen floor and now her two sons are serving around the world and her daughter has a bright future in a nursing career.  She gave up a lot so her three kids could have more than she ever dreamed.  The fact that she can't be around to see it kills me the most.  

Another dagger in the heart is that she died on the birthday of her husband, my step father and the father of my brother and sister.  Technically they me be my half-brother and half-sister, but I will never see it that way.  Larry and I may have had our virulent differences in the past but I've moved on.  I don't hold anything against him at all.  I still love him like a father in addition to my biological father whom I have a very close relationship with as well.  

I will always love Larry like a father and think of him often.  Especially on a day like today.  

Anyway, below is what my sister posted and what made me break down on this 8th anniversary of my mother's death.  



You look back on memories you forgot you had,
And at times you'll smile even though it hurts so bad.

Your mother is a special woman and no one can take her place,
You'll find a piece of mind when you remember he smiling face.

Your mother is an angel now she flies high above the rest,
and in your hearts always and forever she will be the best.

She has earned her wings and it's time for her to fly,
I know it hurts no one is ever ready to say good-bye.

She knows you do not understand and that you cry at night,
But as you finally drift of to sleep let her memory hold you tight.

She will be your guardian angel through the rest of your life,
Helping lead you on the path between what' wrong and right.

your mother loves you so very much and her love will always remain true,
Please don't ever think for a second that your mother will forget you.

A mothers love is like no other in the whole world,
d she has the most wonderful memories of a little boy and girl.

She has taken them with her as she's flown away,
Up to Heaven free of pain which is her new home to stay.

So although you can not see her and you wish she could be there,
Your mother can always hear you and your mother will always care.

A mother does not forget the two greatest loves of her life,
And she loved nothing more than being your mommy, and your daddy's wife.

She is so proud of her family and that's in her heart to stay,
Even though she's and angel and has had to fly away.

So as you cry your tears remember your mothers love,
Being sent to you from her, from the beautiful Heaven above.

She will be there through your good times, she will be there through your bad,
She'll be there when you are happy, she'll be there when your sad.

Your mother has become and angel now, it is her time to fly,
And you will never know how bad it hurt me to watch you have to say good-bye.
♥

I miss you with all of my heart mumma!  I wish to hell you could see what beautiful and successful children you've raised!  

I can't be bothered to change the format of this post right now.  I'm drunk and in Morocco so deal with it.